The Tale of Sephiroth’s Wisdom of Online Dating
by Crimson Kasumi
Summary: PG-13 for, ahem, some refrences, but I was laughing my ass off as I was typing this. Now let's see if I can finish this fic --;; R


.::The Tale of Sephiroth's Petty Wisdom on Online Dating::.  
  
He walked silently along the road, not caring who would see him. So what if he was the most feared person in the world? The only thing that was on his mind was becoming a god. There was something else too, but he couldn't quite remember what it was.  
  
His tongue became dry with thirst as he had traveled non-stop since the morning. As he neared a supermarket, the masamune was kept in his hand. He entered the store as if her were just doing some daily grocery shopping and headed toward the drinks aisle. Customers were gasping at the sword that was horribly stained with dry blood. He grabbed the nearest bottle of spring water and was just about to twist it open when he was interrupted by a female voice.  
  
"Excuse me, but I must ask you to leave my store at once. You are disturbing my customers." The storeowner said sternly.  
  
Sephiroth paid no heed to the weak human and gulped the fresh liquid down his throat.  
  
"I hope you'll be paying for that as well. Or else." This foolish woman was beginning to annoy him with her bravado talk.  
  
"Or what?" the villain spoke firmly as he turned to face the stranger. The soldier's mouth dropped to the floor. "YOU!"  
  
Right before him was Cloud but in a *much* different state. Cloud looked more like a.well, female Cloud. With spiky blond hair and two braids at each side of his.or was it her head? Sephiroth's IQ began to decrease drastically as he tried to figure out the gender of this person.  
  
Cloud stood there in a purple dress, tapping his/her foot impatiently. "Or this!" His clothes were gone a second later. The one-winged angel's eyes burned with the grotesque sight before him.  
  
"NO! I BEG OF YOU! STOP!" The poor dear Sephiroth would be scarred for life if that were actually true. In reality, our villain is actually asleep cuddly a plush, brown teddy.  
  
~*~  
  
He stirred frantically in his nightmarish slumber, trying to get away from whatever was terrifying the poor boy. He unconsciously tried to cover his eyes but poked them instead.  
  
"Ouch!" he grunted as he awoke. "What the hell?" he recollected his recent dream trying to figure out what would make him have mental images such as those. They were horribly scary.  
  
"God, that dream would make a blind man cry." Sephiroth commented. He lazily got out of bed, securely clutching his teddy, which he had dubbed 'Sephy'.  
  
During the rest of his morning, he did the usual routine; shower, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, get dressed and drive his way to the one thing he loathed most--his job. And mind you it isn't all peaches and cream. Oh, you'd like to know what it is? Well, you'll just have to find out and Sephy cannot tell you! Or else, he'll have the stuffing yanked out of him.  
  
"You be quiet Sephy!" he spoke to the teddy bear. "You don't have to rub it in. But don't you worry because one day, I'll leave that job and get a better one. You just wait."  
  
The stuffed toy lay on Sephiroth's bed lifelessly. After a few minutes, he stared mortifyingly at the bear.  
  
"How did you know about *THAT*?! You were asleep too, I know it! I heard you snoring!" he continued to watch it as if the toy would say anything.  
  
"You're lying. You can *NOT* see people's dreams at night. I refuse to believe you." The one-winged angel crossed his arms and scowled like a little girl.  
  
"If you don't mind, I'll be off to hell again. See you later, Sephy." He waved off to the bear as he exited his Nibelheim home.  
  
~*~  
  
"Howdy there, Sephiroth! How was yer weekend, boy?"  
  
"Just the dandiest, Mr. Chocobo Bill." droned the masamune wielding man as he arrived at the Chocobo Ranch. No one exactly knows how this man gets from Nibelheim to the Far East *and* get to work on time. Oh how he loathed this job! How he loathed his boss! How he loathed, no, feared those.demonic creatures.  
  
"Ready fer today's work? Now, careful over there with the one by Billy. Seems to have eaten some might bad greens yesturday." Chocobo Bill pointed over to the end of the stable. As the pair advanced to the stable, an unbearable odor filled his nostrils. It was the worst he had ever smelled in all his days working here.  
  
"Squeak!"  
  
"Good mornin', Mr. Sephiroth!" greeted the son of C. Bill, known as Chocobo Billy, or as the authoress will call him, C. Billy. "Whew! You got some job here today, sir! Lady here, was goin' at every second."  
  
"Here ya go, son. Make sure ya clean up around the corner's, 'specially." C. Bill handed his employee a broom and dustpan. He gave him a pat on the back before finally leaving him.  
  
Sephiroth stared at the floor with disgust as he began to timidly sweep the filthy stable floor. It had not reached 30 seconds when he gave out.  
  
The son of Jenova who was thought to be one insane SOB, the man who was going to conquer the world and become a god, had fainted due to the smell of Chocobo manure.  
  
~*~  
  
He felt a light tapping on his cheek and could hear faint, muffled sounds of someone's voice.  
  
"Son? Are ya awake? Hello?!" the Chocobo farmer asked stupidly.  
  
He began to fall into his conscious state as he noted that the uncomfortable slapping was being caused by his redneck boss. He opened his eyes. Oh dear, I'm afraid the next scene will be very painful for our dear protagonist.  
  
*SPLAT*  
  
The demonic creature that Sephiroth feared and loathed the most had just gone to the bathroom on his face. He let out an agonizing scream. Frightened by the stranger right behind him, the Chocobo kicked him squarely in the back, sending him through the wooden walls of the farm.  
  
As soon as the bird had done this, it cried out delightfully and began eating greens from its neighboring stable.  
  
"Well, how 'bout that? Lady feel's better already. Guess all she needed was a good scare." C. Bill chuckled as he patted the big yellow mammal on its back. "Here ya go, son." He threw 10 pieces of gil to the white-headed man.  
  
"10.gil? Just.10?" Sephiroth trembled as he glared menacingly at his pay. He unsheathed his masamune and prepared to properly slice the two farmers' and the demon bird into Jenova meat.  
  
Sadly, he was only about to be pummeled by another Chocobo as it dashed toward him and pecked him fiercely all the way home.  
  
~*~  
  
He tried his best to slam the door to keep from being abused by the raging demon of hell. He finally succeeded and turned to be faced by his beloved friend, Sephy. I suppose the audience wonders how the bear got to the kitchen since it was in Sephiroth's bedroom, right? Well, folks, I'm sorry as I do not know the answer myself.  
  
"Don't mock me, Sephy. If only you knew how horrible it was today." His eyes began to water with tears. "The meanie Chocobo went poo-poo on my face!" he wailed as he ran over to the freaky bear wanting it to console him like it has done so many other days like this.  
  
~.+.~  
  
*Now didn't we all feel so sympathetic for poor, little, Sephy-wheffy? Not the bear, you twatwaffle! As you can see, the authoress of this deranged story seems to be high of off some crap. Actually, homies, I got the inspiration for this while watching the Bachelor for my first time. Dear, I think they're sending subliminal message's about Chocobo's who have diarrhea and freaky teddy bears that can walk around by themselves. For the good part.REVIEW!!! Or else, Sephy (the bear) will yank the stuffing out of you and feed you to Kleenex boxes.be warned humans. ::cackle::  
  
-CrimsonKasumi 


End file.
